Student Body President John Cochran to Announce Candidacy for 2016 US Presidential Election

            As the election cycle begins to rev up once again for the 2016 Presidential Elections, Student Body president John Cochran startled constituents by announcing his candidacy early Monday morning. The announcement came on the heels of Republican Senator Ted Cruz’s declaration of candidacy, leading pundits on the Mountain to speculate about President Cochran’s campaign strategy. Says New York Times political columnist, James Szewczyk, “This is a surprising move from the Sewanee Senior – particularly because in order to become President, you must be at least 35, not to mention Cochran’s absurdly limited involvement in the US political system. Isn’t he an English major?” President Cochran expressed great optimism for the coming campaign, saying “I mean, I know I may not have much experience, but I when I became President of the Student Body, I didn’t even realize we had a student government. I mean, I thought John McCardell just sort of made up all the rules. I only ran ‘cause Charlie Hughes told me I should, and he was my bro.”

            President Cochran will certainly face stiff odds to knock off leading Presidential contenders, but Cochran expresses confidence in his campaign platform. “I’d like to have like a big calendar – for the nation – and so that way everyone can stay in the loop for events and get-togethers without having to wade through a ton of C-Student emails.” But opponents of Cochran cite his membership in 43 campus bands as a detriment to his leadership abilities. Robert Walker, C’15, had this to say: “I can’t believe John is starting a Presidential campaign right now. Uncle Remus hasn’t practiced in like 3 weeks and Sewaneroo is coming up soon. I don’t know how he is going to run a country and keep this band afloat.” But supporter Dana Huffer, C’15, defends Cochran, claiming that not only will he be able to lead the country, Cochran has also pledged to form at least 300 new bands across the country (provided that he has sole artistic ownership of the musical direction). Further access to President Cochran was denied by his staff until the candidate passes his Comprehensive Examinations on Saturday. “By then, I’ll probably be sloshed – that’s when I think of my best Presidential ideas, though.”