As themed house applications vie for position for the 2015-2016 school year, The Common Source has taken some time to delve into some of the more promising proposals. The shocking favorite comes from an up-and-coming “Introvert House,” a themed house aimed at really bringing those shy ones out of their shells this year. A spokesman reports low attendance from the info session before nervously wringing his hands and stuffing the neck of his turtleneck into his mouth. “The house is small… like really small. Small enough for me to crawl into a little ball and just shut out the world for a while. Really it’s just me that will be living here. I need to get out of this place. I hate the passing hello.”
Other strong contenders include the Sportsman’s House, a returning House with a new twist. This year, candidates will have to make their way through a rigorous training exercise that current Sportsman’s House residents are calling “killer.” House Manager John Googe calls the program “The Most Dangerous Game,” and it appears to be an exciting alternative to traditional written applications. Says John, “Yeah, we’re really excited about the new program. It’s pretty simple, the last applicant standing gets a spot in the house. We figured it was about time we tested real wilderness skill and know-how in a high-stress environment – just to get a feel for the residents, ya know?” In addition to the Sportsman’s House, The Business House will also be receiving a renewed contract with the University, whereupon Nick Babson will continue to personally fund weekly ragers and Wolf of Wall Street screenings. Residents Birpartap and Parampartap Singh express excitement over the decision, stating “We were really hoping the University would renew our contract. I mean, we just do so much for the school. Last week, we watched Wolf (of Wall Street) like three times, and did the Matthew McConaughey chant thing. We’re getting pretty good at it now.”
The Health & Wellness house will have to overcome stiff opposition from the proposed Sickness & Alcoholism house, as the latter has gained a growing support from the bout of Winter cold and flu patients, as well as the strong contingent of heavy drinkers on campus. Says spokesman Fleming Beaver, “Nobody wants a Health and Wellness house. I mean, we’re in fucking college. I want to get wasted. In a house. With my bros.” Sources report turncoats from the Health & Wellness House who were apparently hoarding corndogs underneath their beds in a desperate attempt to escape daily salad-consumption meetings. Other themed houses in contention have agreed to allow the Common Source to publish their applicant criteria. The list is as follows:
Music House: Potential Residents should be proficient in at least one instrument, or like Phish
Food House: Experience eating or making food, operating a microwave, also must like Phish
Russian House: Fluency in the language, after drinking a fifth of vodka; must be comfortable with a house kept under 30 degrees all year. Bears welcome.
Political Activism House: Must have at least 100 comments on Huffington Post articles, or 10+ hours a week watching Fox News. Potential applicants who don’t binge watch either House of Cards or Scandal need not apply.
Crafts House: Got sorted into Hufflepuff on Pottermore, MUST NOT EAT NOR SNIFF THE GLUE
Waffle House: Basic line-cook experience preferred. Flexible hours. Minimum wage, with stock options.
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