Student Body President John Cochran to Announce Candidacy for 2016 US Presidential Election

            As the election cycle begins to rev up once again for the 2016 Presidential Elections, Student Body president John Cochran startled constituents by announcing his candidacy early Monday morning. The announcement came on the heels of Republican Senator Ted Cruz’s declaration of candidacy, leading pundits on the Mountain to speculate about President Cochran’s campaign strategy. Says New York Times political columnist, James Szewczyk, “This is a surprising move from the Sewanee Senior – particularly because in order to become President, you must be at least 35, not to mention Cochran’s absurdly limited involvement in the US political system. Isn’t he an English major?” President Cochran expressed great optimism for the coming campaign, saying “I mean, I know I may not have much experience, but I when I became President of the Student Body, I didn’t even realize we had a student government. I mean, I thought John McCardell just sort of made up all the rules. I only ran ‘cause Charlie Hughes told me I should, and he was my bro.”

            President Cochran will certainly face stiff odds to knock off leading Presidential contenders, but Cochran expresses confidence in his campaign platform. “I’d like to have like a big calendar – for the nation – and so that way everyone can stay in the loop for events and get-togethers without having to wade through a ton of C-Student emails.” But opponents of Cochran cite his membership in 43 campus bands as a detriment to his leadership abilities. Robert Walker, C’15, had this to say: “I can’t believe John is starting a Presidential campaign right now. Uncle Remus hasn’t practiced in like 3 weeks and Sewaneroo is coming up soon. I don’t know how he is going to run a country and keep this band afloat.” But supporter Dana Huffer, C’15, defends Cochran, claiming that not only will he be able to lead the country, Cochran has also pledged to form at least 300 new bands across the country (provided that he has sole artistic ownership of the musical direction). Further access to President Cochran was denied by his staff until the candidate passes his Comprehensive Examinations on Saturday. “By then, I’ll probably be sloshed – that’s when I think of my best Presidential ideas, though.” 

Dixon Myers: A New Way to Reach Out?

            As Spring Break dawns, once again Sewanee Outreach spreads it’s humanitarian fingers around the globe, sending students to Ecuador, Costa Rica, Haiti, as well as several cities within the States. An exciting new proposal from front-man Dixon Myers though promises big things right here at home. Says Myers, “I was thinking about how best to spend the student’s time during their Spring Break, and then I looked at my car and saw how dirty it was. I thought, Well damn! I could just get those college kids to do it!” Currently, Dixon has allotted 6 student volunteers, one from each Outreach trip, to stay on the mountain to help with this monster project. Dixon reports that there is a fair amount of dirty-smudgy stuff on the left part of the front windshield that he hopes to get to on the first few days with his crew. “Then, I think we’ll move on to really scrubbing down the muddy parts near the tires. There are two spots where I think a bird may have pooped – that’s gonna be a big project for these kids.”

            Myer’s enthusiasm has caught on, and the Common Source caught up with one of the students ready to embark on this newest Outreach Trip. Says Malcolm Brown, C’34, “This will be my first real experience with community outreach, and I’m really excited. Dixon’s car is pretty gross right now, so it’s easy to see why we need to spend a lot of time on it. It’s just a really important issue in the community right now.” Senior Mary Ottley had this to say about the new move: “I think it’s great that Dixon is finally starting to focus on some real issues. All that Jamaica stuff was really starting to get old, you know?” Callie Sadler, Dixon’s protégé, sees possibilities for expansion in years to come. “I can really see some opportunities here. Especially if we cut some of the more superfluous trips (New York, Haiti, Costa Rica) than we could really have the financial support to maybe even start on Dixon’s house – he told me that the roof may need minor repairs and that the squirrels keep hiding nuts and berries in his favorite hydrangea bushes.” Dixon says that by the time students return to campus, he hopes to have a squeaky-clean vehicle to drive around campus and show to people. “If not, I’m cutting the entire Outreach budget for the 2015-16 school year.” 

Introvert Themed House Information Session Tomorrow in the Social Lodge: If You Show Up, You Probably Aren't What We're Looking For"

   As themed house applications vie for position for the 2015-2016 school year, The Common Source has taken some time to delve into some of the more promising proposals. The shocking favorite comes from an up-and-coming “Introvert House,” a themed house aimed at really bringing those shy ones out of their shells this year. A spokesman reports low attendance from the info session before nervously wringing his hands and stuffing the neck of his turtleneck into his mouth. “The house is small… like really small. Small enough for me to crawl into a little ball and just shut out the world for a while. Really it’s just me that will be living here. I need to get out of this place. I hate the passing hello.”             

           Other strong contenders include the Sportsman’s House, a returning House with a new twist. This year, candidates will have to make their way through a rigorous training exercise that current Sportsman’s House residents are calling “killer.” House Manager John Googe calls the program “The Most Dangerous Game,” and it appears to be an exciting alternative to traditional written applications. Says ­John, “Yeah, we’re really excited about the new program. It’s pretty simple, the last applicant standing gets a spot in the house. We figured it was about time we tested real wilderness skill and know-how in a high-stress environment – just to get a feel for the residents, ya know?” In addition to the Sportsman’s House, The Business House will also be receiving a renewed contract with the University, whereupon Nick Babson will continue to personally fund weekly ragers and Wolf of Wall Street screenings. Residents Birpartap and Parampartap Singh express excitement over the decision, stating “We were really hoping the University would renew our contract. I mean, we just do so much for the school. Last week, we watched Wolf (of Wall Street) like three times, and did the Matthew McConaughey chant thing. We’re getting pretty good at it now.”

           The Health & Wellness house will have to overcome stiff opposition from the proposed Sickness & Alcoholism house, as the latter has gained a growing support from the bout of Winter cold and flu patients, as well as the strong contingent of heavy drinkers on campus. Says spokesman Fleming Beaver, “Nobody wants a Health and Wellness house. I mean, we’re in fucking college. I want to get wasted. In a house. With my bros.” Sources report turncoats from the Health & Wellness House who were apparently hoarding corndogs underneath their beds in a desperate attempt to escape daily salad-consumption meetings. Other themed houses in contention have agreed to allow the Common Source to publish their applicant criteria. The list is as follows:

    Music House: Potential Residents should be proficient in at least one instrument, or like Phish

Food House: Experience eating or making food, operating a microwave, also must like Phish

Russian House: Fluency in the language, after drinking a fifth of vodka; must be comfortable with a house kept under 30 degrees all year. Bears welcome.

Political Activism House: Must have at least 100 comments on Huffington Post articles, or 10+ hours a week watching Fox News. Potential applicants who don’t binge watch either House of Cards or Scandal need not apply.

Crafts House: Got sorted into Hufflepuff on Pottermore, MUST NOT EAT NOR SNIFF THE GLUE

Waffle House: Basic line-cook experience preferred. Flexible hours. Minimum wage, with stock options. 

Bridging the Gender Gap Through Room Décor

COURTS- Common Source interviewed a pair of male roommates who chose to design their room with a feminine touch. These two sophomores stated that they were driven by a desire to help gender equality on campus. To learn more, we visited their humble 2nd floor Courts room. 

“Sup bros?” Ryan said, as he opened the door in a Beyoncé v-neck. In a boy’s dorm where you would usually expect to find that Johnny-Cash-flipping-the-middle finger poster, instead you’ll see that Audrey-Hepburn-with-the-cigarette-holder poster. Their closets displayed an alarming degree of organization, even with so many colorful shoes. The whole place smelled like lavender and they even had a variety pack of tampons on the bedside table.

“Monogrammed bedding? B*tches love that sh*t,” remarked Lindsay, who even changed his name to be more feminine, “I just want to make sure when honeys come over here they feel comfortable.” Ryan and Lindsay have both expressed their hope to meet girls with this new strategy.

"I think this should definitely lead to an influx of girls coming into our room to hang out. We've got Grey's Anatomy playing all day long on our TV and like, 6 different flavors of Chobani in our mini-fridge," Ryan said. "We've had to sacrifice room for beer in there but I think it's going to be worth it. I bet a lot of them will even want to hook up with me."

Lindsay adds, "I guess I have fears of just ending up being every Sewanee girl's gal pal…Getting friend zone is pretty rough. But hey, on the bright side, maybe I can get more tips on how to woo girls from all of my new girl friends!"

Lindsay and Ryan have posted a calendar outside of their room in Courts to alert girls to the fun, chic events they have planned for the rest of the year.

"Come join us for Wine Night the Sunday night after spring break, March 22nd! We'll have a showing of Crazy Stupid Love and Dear John along with a selection of reds and whites and a raffle for a bottle of prosecco!" said Ryan.

Alcohol and pills are the barbaric tools of men of the past. All Lindsay and Ryan need to meet girls is a well-organized Pinterest board and easy flowing conversation about how much they love Jennifer Lawrence and Reese Witherspoon.

McClurg To Be Shut Down Under Allegations of Common Source Violation

        News broke this evening of alleged common source violations from Sewanee’s sole dining hall, McClurg. Investigators report that the dining hall has, for an undisclosed amount of time, been operating drink dispensers capable of housing a whopping 30 gallons of assorted soft drinks, fruit juices, and root beers. Sources within the administration report concerns over not only volume of banned substances, but also possible criminal infractions concerning Schedule IV substances that were to be distributed amongst the study body. Dean Bruce, orchestrator of the covert-op, proudly states: “The grievous common-source violations of Chef Rick Wright are an obvious danger to the student body, and must be stopped. Students would be much safer bringing their own beverages to the dining hall, and we intend to make that a reality.” Surveillance has confirmed highly addictive behavior from a large portion of the student body, with over 95% of students participating in substance transaction at least twice daily with the dining conglomerate.

        Chef Rick has responded to the allegations with the following; “Are you kidding me?” Current policy allows undergraduates individually packaged 12oz containers (six pack limit), but the administration claims that McClurg has consistently provided unlimited, high volume drinks to any student, regardless of age. The administration remains adamant that it will hold true to its one-strike policy, despite the average student’s dependence on the single consistent food source on campus. Student response, however, seems to favor Chef Rick’s newer technology over the series of trashcans that used to line the walls and backrooms of McClurg. “It was just gross going over there to get some OJ,” says Sophomore Peter Davis. “The red solo cup was all sticky by the time I got to breakfast at around 8:30 or so.”

McCardell: Yik Yak to Replace Board of Regents in 2016

TREZEVANT- In a cstudent telegram dated March 4, 2015, Vice Chancellor McCardell announced sweeping reform in the governance of the University: “In an effort to create more student involvement in the University as well as to incorporate technology into our executive office, henceforth the application Yik Yak will serve as the authority on all decision making processes starting February 31st, 2016.”

YikYak is a social networking site that allows people within a certain geographic vicinity to anonymously post feelings, jokes, and be really fucking mean without fear of consequences.

The announcement further notes, “We hope the student opinions visible on Yik Yak will help us determine many of our monetary choices and when to cancel class; we project that a large percentage of the budget will go to canceling 8AMs and ‘butt stuff,’ which I’ll have to look up on google images later.”

“This is fucking sick,” said Junior Chad Cunningham IV “I have so many yakarma points; my yak about McClurg serving fried pickles got like 100 ups. That’s almost as many as my one about blowjobs got.”

McCardell ends his message with a bright hope for the future: “With Yik Yak, we’ll be able to discuss the more difficult topics with total anonymity. Questions like 'Is the Pub open??', 'Who’s the hottest sophomore?' and 'Which Hogwarts House would each frat be?' will finally be answered.”

Sources add that Bumble matches will be used prominently in the roommate selection process. Keeping with the trend toward modernity, Trivia Crack rankings will now determine your spot in room draw.

No word has come from the Alumni camp, as their flip phones do not support the app.

Hell’s Kitchen’s Gordon Ramsay to Guest Judge Sewanee BBQ Contest

Gordon Ramsay of Hell’s Kitchen fame has recently posted on his official website that he will be arriving in Sewanee, TN this Saturday, March 7, to participate in The University of the South’s 3rd annual BBQ contest. According to anonymous sources, Chef Rick Wright, head of McClurg dining hall, worked in a restaurant with Ramsay long ago, where Ramsay frequently berated the young Rick Wright with obscenities. One altercation allegedly resulted in a fist fight over one chef’s insistence on serving squash with every meal. We can only hope Ramsay tones down his antics while at Sewanee.

Although Chef Rick has not yet mentioned plans for the famous British chef’s arrival in his daily e-mails, Ramsay’s post on his website has already caused a stir among students.

“Gordon what? Ramsay? That sounds kind of familiar, isn’t he a Snu?” Senior Patrick Westfall said. “I think I saw him passed out on a couch last weekend. Didn’t know he was a chef too, does he work at Shenanigans?”

Administration remains tight lipped as to where the money came from to fund Ramsay’s appearance and his flight over the pond. Freshman Ashley Stein reports, “I heard ATO brought him to Sewanee. I guess they’re tired of getting washed up rappers and are moving on to celebrity chefs. Wait, but does that mean the Yin Yang Twins aren’t coming for Spring Party anymore?!”

The past two Final Four BBQ contests have lured in students with beer available for purchase and the showing of the NCAA Men’s Final Four Basketball games. However as the BBQ Contest failed to be scheduled during the Final Four tournament this year, there are hopes that Ramsay and Rick Wright will settle their disputes on the court, street style.

“I like the barbecue contest. It’s the only Saturday evening of the year that McClurg isn’t filled with drunk students,” McClurg staff member and pizza line operator Maurice King said. “God I hate Shake Day.”

Although Gordon Ramsay’s representatives have not spoken publicly aside from the website post, sources reveal that he’s requested barbed wire table protection, 120 oz of malt liquor, and to be inducted into the Order of the Gownsman. #eatwellbewell #meatsmellbehell