McClurg To Be Shut Down Under Allegations of Common Source Violation

        News broke this evening of alleged common source violations from Sewanee’s sole dining hall, McClurg. Investigators report that the dining hall has, for an undisclosed amount of time, been operating drink dispensers capable of housing a whopping 30 gallons of assorted soft drinks, fruit juices, and root beers. Sources within the administration report concerns over not only volume of banned substances, but also possible criminal infractions concerning Schedule IV substances that were to be distributed amongst the study body. Dean Bruce, orchestrator of the covert-op, proudly states: “The grievous common-source violations of Chef Rick Wright are an obvious danger to the student body, and must be stopped. Students would be much safer bringing their own beverages to the dining hall, and we intend to make that a reality.” Surveillance has confirmed highly addictive behavior from a large portion of the student body, with over 95% of students participating in substance transaction at least twice daily with the dining conglomerate.

        Chef Rick has responded to the allegations with the following; “Are you kidding me?” Current policy allows undergraduates individually packaged 12oz containers (six pack limit), but the administration claims that McClurg has consistently provided unlimited, high volume drinks to any student, regardless of age. The administration remains adamant that it will hold true to its one-strike policy, despite the average student’s dependence on the single consistent food source on campus. Student response, however, seems to favor Chef Rick’s newer technology over the series of trashcans that used to line the walls and backrooms of McClurg. “It was just gross going over there to get some OJ,” says Sophomore Peter Davis. “The red solo cup was all sticky by the time I got to breakfast at around 8:30 or so.”